For years I have told the Caregivers in my Prostate Cancer group to take time for themselves. Sadly I never listened to my own advice. These past two years has taken a toll on me.
First the pandemic and masks mandates. Which has caused my anxiety to spiral out of control. Wearing a mask caused flashbacks of a major event that happened when I was 5 years old. Which has turned into PTSD 50 plus years later.
My Mom passed away April 21, 2021, from COPD and Dementia. The hardest part of that day was watching my Mom die. I set in the room with her along with another family member talking with her even though she was unresponsive. We were told it was a matter of time, it could be hours, days or weeks. I told the family member we needed to tell her it was Okay to go. With resistance that family member did not want to be part of it. As I sat alone in the room. I told my Mom, if she needed to go I would be Okay. Shortly after that she passed away. Now I feel guilty because I let her go. People tell me it was a selfless act to do because I loved her.
Her wishes was to be cremated. This was something I have never been part of and want to get out of my head. Before the memorial service I was asked if I want to see my Mom for the last time. I thought I could handle it. But I was wrong. We were taken to a viewing room where she laid. She was in the cremation box. It was another reality of the final journey. It was so hard and I could not bare it. I wanted to run out and not be there. But my feet would not let me go. I was able to speak at her Memorial service and I talked from my heart. And how I felt guilty letting her go.
December 2, 2021, I lost my 15 year old Fur Baby Maxwell. He also had Dementia but for Canines. He would get lost in the house and bark as to say. Mom, help me! At the end I kept him in a baby playpen to keep his safe. There were long nights where he wouldn’t sleep. So I would sit up with him all night. I would rock him and talk with him. On this day he took his last breath at 10:00pm. He was also cremated and he is on the fireplace with my Mom. Losing Max has been really hard as I feel so lost because he helped with my anxiety. When I was in a crisis he would cuddle up so tight next to me. Now he is not here to do that.
Earlier this month was the ZERO Summit virtually. But this year since 2012, I did not attend. I just could not get j to it this year. Again I felt guilty because of it. But with my mental health being in a crisis mode. It was best to take the time for me. Usually by now I am also contacting elected officials for Proclamations for Prostate Cancer Awareness and Education Month. This year since 2014, will be the first year I have not sent out requests. I has been a hard choice to make again but it is necessary to get me back to a healthy state of mind.
Caregiver’s please make sure you take the time and take care of your self. You are needed to be healthy on the journey with your loved ones battling prostate cancer.
Currently my husband is still in remission. And I am very grateful for this. This is why it is so important for me to focus on myself as well.
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